CSI: Miami Quotes

CSI: Miami Calleigh's Lab

CSI: Miami Quotes

Horatio Caine

[Upon finding one of their suspects dead in the water]
"Let's go find the cousin before he chokes on a Twizzler."
"You know what they say "You lie down with the Devil, you wake up in Hell"."
"We are being detoured into the land of make-believe."
[about a suspect]
"He is a liar. I just don't know what the lie is yet."
[about Alexx]
"Fastest scalpel on the East."

"The only thing that matters is the evidence."
"When you have everything, sometimes it feels like nothing."

"The problem with manipulation is that people can turn on you."

"Tomorrow's what you make of it."
[to Eric]
"In the future, if you're gonna watch somebody's back, let me know about it so I can watch yours."
[arresting a criminal]
"Justice is not yours to dispense, and now you're going to pay for it."
[defending a woman from a suspect]
"The next time you want to take a swing at someone, start with me."
[to a suspect who doesn't have to pay a medical bill]
"Whatever that bill says, you will still have to pay."
"Bag it, tag it and let's see what else is there!"

[to Eric]
"If we want to be effective on this job, we have to survive, too."
"Stilleto heels, candles, champagne- he was on one killer on date."
"Those are your eyes talking, look harder."
"Life is filled with dissapointment."
"Timing is everything."
"The lack of evidence is evidence."
"We Never Close"
"The best defence is money."
"The best defence is an honest life."

"So, you're ahead of the curve, thats sexy."
"It's Not Important What People Say About Us. It's Important What We Think Of Ourselves Inside"
"Hmm...never and I mean never let an inmate know anything about you."

"Well I guess I mislead you, huh? How does it feel to be kept in the dark?"
"It's always somebody else's fault isn't it?"
"I know this is hard to understand but when a grown man gets himself involved with a fourteen-year- old girl, he's not a good guy."
"Yes, I'm the fiber king. I'm the fiber king. Easy or hard?"
"That's what I do, I clean things up."

"Just like my father said, you have no backup, you have no plan."

[To Suzie]
"Really, you're fine? I don't think you understand something here- she is my flesh and blood and she will not remain in this situation another second."

"A Riviet Runs Through It"
"Paging Dr. Wellmont"
"Poised To See Paradise"
"Lights Out My Friend"
"Fonte Is a Liar. I Just Don't Know What The Lie Is?"
[About a Mutilated Dog Found at a Crime Scene]
"It's In The Same Shape as our Victum. Mutilated and Dead"
"Scrub The Surface but Leave the dead body under the bed."
"Time Of Death Is always the most fluid aspect of any crime"
"Adell? Adell Horatio, Road Trip"

"The Guilt Keeps Us Sharp. It Makes Us Better."
"Drive-by Miami style."
"Claudia has a defense. Claudia is insane. You are just a liar and a killer. For you that adds up to life times one, two, three."
"In my business, I don't have the luxury of believing anyone."
"You get'em back, when I say so."
"We know a picture is worth a thousand words."
"Everyone has something to hide."
"You haven't convinced me, my friend, and that is not a good start."
"The truth has this funny, mysterious way of finding daylight."
"You can watch over people, but you can't make choices for them."
"Well, your boots say different, fella- you're coming with me."
"Stick Around, I'm Full Of Surprizes"
"Well, Yes, Rule Number One: NEVER Mess With Calleigh Duquesne, Rick."
"Alright, be on the lookout for an Eastern European male with bad teeth who may have access to an ape."

Calleigh Duquesne

[looking at some evidence]
"Nasal mucus... and it isn't even my birthday."
[to a DA]
"I didn't realize evidence took sides."
"It is funny how warrants bring out the best in people."
[stand-off with a suspect]
"There are two ways this goes down, and either way, you're dropping the gun."
"Out Of One Zoo & Into Another"
"Personally, leather chaps... nothing else."
"Well, that's because the Y chromosome doesn't carry the gossip gene."
"Well, I've got goosebumps." (expressionless)
"Theroies Are Great But it All Comes Back To The Evidence. And Anything Can Mean Something"

Alexx Woods

[finding a diamond ring the victim's stomach contents]
"Looks like she had a few karats for her last meal."
[to a bad-tempered ME]
"I suggest you worry less about alimony and more about the victim. But, hey, that's just me."
[about medical procedure]
"When the IV fails, they have to give it directly to the heart. You know, Uma Therman, Pulp Fiction."
[finding incriminating evidence]
"Horatio's going to LOVE this."

"Truth is, no one really knows anyone."

Tim Speedle

[about a doctor's ugly Persian rug]
"Just because you have a medical degree doesn't mean you have taste."
[looking for evidence in a house]
"Why's it always gotta be in the toilet?"
"You can't plan detail because events are random."
"Last time I was in church was when Kurt Cobian died."
"I love hotel rooms - body fluids everywhere."
"One minute you're ruling the world, the next, you're in a six-by-six."

Together

Horatio: So what do you get when a six foot tall man lays down with a three foot long rifle?
Calleigh: Hot flashes... but that's just me.

Horatio: Nice work. Ever consider transferring to SWAT?
Calleigh: I don't look good in all black.
Horatio: I beg to differ...

Horatio: [whispering] What do you like in your coffe?
Calleigh: [blushing and beaming] Sugar

Horatio: Nice Shot
Calleigh: Hey
Horatio: You Busy?
Calleigh: Well, I'm Up To My A@# In Alligators. There Was a big shooting on the Crossway, 54 expended rounds. Not to mention Det. Hagen Is Ridding Me Like a Golf Stream Park Pony.

Drake: You said our DNA was contained in a single cell. How do we get around it?
Horatio: Your family? You stop procreating.

Vincent: That's a good story. I enjoyed that. But you forgot one thing... I'm a lawyer, a dawn good one.
Calleigh: You know what? You're right, I did forget one thing; Michelle's blood wasn't the only one we found on the ring. Benito Ramon's was there as well.
Eric: And the cremated ash. And the chances of that happening to anyone but the murderer are about a million to one.
Calleigh: You may be a lawyer, but I'm a CSI. A damn good one.

Calleigh: Well, it looks like somebody's getting wet
Eric: Music to my ears.

Jimmy: You're not going to be able to prove a thing.
Horatio: That is a very dumb thing to say to a CSI.

[After catching a sniper who has killed 4 innocent people]
Sniper: Don't you want to know why?
Horatio: You're evil, you enjoy death, and I hope you enjoy your own.

[an arm is found in a dead shark]
Alexx: I think we're going to need a bigger body bag.
Horatio: If anyone can find one, it's you, Alexx.
Boat Captain: That's my shark.
Alexx: Nope, my shark now.

[examining a severed arm]
Alexx: No hair at the underarm, but pronounced hair on the knuckles.
Horatio: So, what are you saying?
Alexx: What I'm saying is I'm not an anthropologist. It could be a large woman or a small man.

Horatio: Those Needle Marks?
Alexx: Puncher Wounds. You Said You Were Thinking Cult?
Horatio: Maybe Like a Life-size Voodoo Doll.

Alexx: You know rap?
Horatio: What I do know is rap sheets

Yelina: Raymond.
Horatio: What about him?
Yelina: Well, whenever he didn't want to tell me something, he couldn't make eye contact either- so, what is going on?
Yelina: Horatio- there was a suspect at PD all afternoon and every time I went near the holding area, everybody seemed to hold their breath.
Horatio: Well, it looks like the suspect Bob and his wife knew Raymond-
Yelina: And?
Horatio: And ahmm... well, ah, Yelina -
Yelina: Please. Don't try to sugar cote it. I know what Raymond was doing, okay?

Eric: 'kay, I'll have Yelina bring him in-
Horatio: No need. There will be a VIP party at the Manor and Oriental this afternoon, where they will be and so will I
Yelina: I think you have an admirerer.
Horatio: Duty calls.

Horatio: Viper, torch red, nice.
Suspect: You know what they say, you are what you drive.
Yelina: Mmm. I was thinking the same thing.

Horatio: Get anything?
Yelina: Always do. They're like cockroaches. Fifteen in a ten mile radius.
Horatio: Fifteen sex-offenders in a ten mile radius, how is that possible?

Det. Hagen: Where have you been?
Calleigh: I took a drive, got some fresh air... apprehended an escaped felon.

Suspect: I swear. I didn't touch her.
Calleigh: You don't have to touch somebody to shoot 'em.

[at a chopper accident scene]
Delko: Do you think they were killed in the crash?
Alexx: Not unless they each crashed into a bullet.

[finding incriminating evidence at a crime scene]
Horatio: The killer just made his second mistake.
Yelena: What was his first?
Horatio: Murder.

Alexx: Unreasonable acts are all I see.
Horatio: Amen to that.

Horatio: You're saying she married for love?
Calleigh: I know. Wonders never cease.

Speed: She looked him right in the eyes when he was killing her.
Horatio: And he looked back.

Horatio: This Cocaine Did Not Come From Hatti
Speed: Not Unless Hatti's In The Middle Of Our Crime Lab

Calleigh: Moreno's wife said that he stayed up late and watched tv. My guess that he was jumped right in the middle of Letterman.
Speed: Top 10 ways to get your head blown off.

Horatio: They Say Roaches & Ducted Tape'll Survive The end Of The World
Speed: Well, At least something's in our favor

(Speed is still working on the shredded pieces of paper. H walks into
the lab.)
Horatio: Hey, Go Home Gets Some Rest.
Speed: I Can't. (takes a deep breath) At This Point I'm Addicted.
Horatio: Mmm, but not homologous. I'm thinking from a quarry.
Speed: I'm thinking you're right.
Horatio: Okay. So, Speed, call the coast guard make a friend, and take Eric with you.
Speed: Aye, aye

[Speed heads for the trace lab. Horatio enters the trace lab. From the other door, Megan walks into the lab.]
Speed: Who community beeped?
Horatio: That was me.

Calleigh: Angelo has nice taste in cars.
Speed: It's hard to go wrong when you spend 80 grand.

Delko: Got a scrape here.
Speed: Yeah, you're going to have a few scrapes. It was a plane crash.
Delko: Huh, thanks for the update, but this is not from hitting the beach.
Speed: Well, NTSB brought it on a flatbed. Its not like they put it in bubble wrap.
Delko: Yeah, I realized that too. Someone keyed this.

[death by carbon monoxide]
Delko: What killed that guy?
Speed: He had gas.

Delko: Engines on that baby cost more than your car.
Speed: Maybe your car.

[About a Victum Who Died By Cell Phone]
Speed: Tripp Out
Delko: They Say These Things Can Kill You

Speed: So what are you doing, Just ignoring the obvious stuff now?
Delko: What have you got.
Speed: Well, there's a cigar in here. She had a visitor, its been chewed. It probably got DNA on it.
Delko: That's good time to look for the un-obvious.
Speed: I'm aware of that. H. Says that to me all the time.
Delko: You know, it's great minds ...
Speed: You're unbelievable.
Delko: (cheerfully) I am.

Speed: The only way to out run a gator is to swim faster than the guy next to you. In't that right Delko?
Delko: I use to have a partner.

Speed: Whata you got?
Delko: A car explosion. Burn victim, checking for Cognac used as an excellerant. 'you beat that?
Speed: Yeah. I gotta a priest, shot with a rifle, dead, in a church.
Delko: Not bad.
Speed: Not bad?
Delko: Not bad.
Speed: That's at least a draw. You aren't gonna beat me with a burned out car.
Delko: (laughs)
Megan: Boys and their measuring sticks. You guys crack me up.

Delko: Cart scrutineers hand out the pop up valves....
Speed: What'd you say?
Delko: Scrutineers. That's what Cart calls their tech inspectors.
Speed: Well they might, you shouldn't.

Delko: What was that address again?
Speed: When are you going to learn how to type? That's Garden Street.
Delko: That's Brad Tustin's house.
Speed: You mean "Death Grip 2000" Brad Tustin?
Delko: "Body Count" and "Double Tap". I mean, those movies sucked....
Speed: But you saw every one of them, didn't you?

Delko: I had my cell phone on vibrate, I was busy - didn't wanna get disturbed.
Speed: Busy with the left hand?
Delko: Yeah...funny...

Carrie: 50 blood stains?
Speedle: Sorry. Next time I'll tell the victim to die in one spot.

Alexx: I can undress a dead body in my sleep.
Speed: I'm leaving that one alone.

Alexx: Tell me They did not lose the body
Speed: They lost the...
Alexx: Timmy.....

Megan: (sighs) Yeah. She'd been using antidepressants for the past
year. Prozac and zoloft. Six months ago, she smoked some pot.
Speed: And they say blondes have more fun.
Speed: An ATM. What do ATMS have?
Megan: Surveillance cameras.
Speed: And what do I have? (He looks over at the stack of surveillance tapes.) Surveillance tapes from downtown

Calleigh: Sixty-two wounds and not one nicked bone or cartilage for a nice
toolmark.
Speed: An educated torturer. I guess you're going to have to settle for the
old wound comparison.
Calleigh: All right. Time to get medieval.

Calleigh: Ones pink and white, and ones a polished French tip. These are different processes, they don't match.
Speed: Alright, I should have known that.
Calleigh: Well, I would be scared if you did.

[victim is lying dead on the floor, with a knife in his head]
Ryan: Knife missing from this block could be our murder weapon.
Alexx: [sarcastically] Nice work, Ryan. Think you may have cracked the case.
Ryan: Thanks. I have a keen grasp of the obvious.

Calleigh: That smells good.
Eric: What, cafe Cubano? Put some hair on your chest.
Calleigh: Don't you just say the sweetest things.

Calleigh: [quickly walking through the break room] Hi guys, bye guys
Delko: [stopping her] Hey, Calleigh, I heard you busted the stereo man.
Calleigh: Hey, I heard you found out who the car crash victim really is.
Speed: Yup, he was a bad guy.
Calleigh: You know, maybe not all bad.
Speed: I think the mob would disagree about 1.5 million times.
Calleigh: Yeah, but you know, I was thinking. If he hadn't have stollen from the mob, then he never would have become a beach bum in Florida and then he never would have got picked up by the hurricane. Then if he hadn't got picked up by the hurricane he would have never hit Burton's car, and if it wasn't for hitting Burton's car, Burton would have gotten away with murder.
Delko: [smiling] Leave it to you, Calleigh, to find something good to come out of a hurricane.
Calleigh: [smiling] They do eleviate global warming.
[she leaves]
Speed: [to Eric] She's way too cheerful.

Calleigh: Alright, which one of you stole my crime light?
Speed: Well, stole is very negative. I, I had borrowed it and I, uh, I replaced it, I put it back.
Calleigh: Well, it'd be nice if you charged it first. I was at the scene and it flatlined.
Eric: Sounds like she's mad at you
Speed: Calliegh, I sincerely apologize.
Calleigh: Apology accepted. Give me yours.
Speed: Go ahead, it's in my kit. (Calliegh leaves) I hope she doesn't need her Sodium Ribisonate.
Jim: A "transcript" evinces a pejorative.
Delko: That's some vocabulary sir.
Jim: I like you too. You bring an attitude to your craft.
Speed: It's not a craft. It's a murder investigation. You had a fight with Amy. Do you wanna come to homicide and talk about it?
Jim: Anything I can do to help.
Speed: If you want to help so much why don't you show us that wound under your shirt.
Jim: Unbutton my shirt for you? Its not that kind of Gym.

Speed: Amnesia, huh? That's pretty convenient. Maybe she's got a little evil twin we can interrogate too.
Delko: She has a concussion okay. Memory loss is common.
Speed: Bet it'll come back to her once she gets an attorney

Suspect: So where's my phone?
[Tim shakes the blown up remains out of a bag.]
Suspect: Man!
Tim: Probably doesn't look the same.
Suspect: [sighing] No warranty.
Tim: [patented sardonic laugh] That sucks.

Ted: Hey! Buddy! Hey, you want to get this moving? Ted Zink, Matraca Tequila. You're in my party area.
Speed: Your what?
Ted: We're hosting a big event for the Greeks. Part of our spring break marketing package: Lauderdale, Daytona, Miami Beach. We take the party wherever the kids are. You know, you hook 'em young, they're yours for life.
Speed: Sir, can you read the yellow tape there? It says 'crime scene.'
Ted: Hey, I got a permit to be here.
Speed: Ohhhhh, you've got a permit!
Ted: Yeah, that's right. From Parks and Rec.
Speed: [getting out cellphone] Well, I'm going to let you tell that to the parents of the girl who got murdered here last night.
Ted: Woah, wait a minute--
Speed: I'm going to let you tell them that we can't process this crime scene because you have a permit for a party.
Ted: You misunderstood me.
Speed: Then I'm going to arrest your cheap, tequila-pushing ass, and have you spend the night in lockup, with all the drunk-and-disorderlies, and you can smell the vomit of the fraternity boys.
Ted: You know what man, maybe I should just ah, wait, until you're finished.
Speed: That's a capital idea, Ted.

[Calleigh and Speed have gone to see Vivian, a Southern woman, who bought an artifact that is evidence in a crime they are trying to solve]
Speed: You just destroyed any fingerprints the killer might have left.
Vivian: Well I had no idea, [feigning regret] I'm terribly sorry.
Speed: Yeah, sure you are. You know what, we're going to need to take that from you anyway.
Vivian: Oh no you don't. This cross is mine until you youngsters bring me a warrant from a sitting judge.
Speed: Is that the sacred part you were talking about there, Vivian?
Vivian: You must be a Yankee.
Speed: Yeah, I'm from Jamaica, Queens.
Calleigh: He's doing his best to serve the great state of Florida, Mrs. Kensington. He's a bit of a rebel himself. So if, uh, if it wouldn't be too much trouble would you mind if we got the name of the person who sold you the artifact?
Vivian: Well I might just be able to find that information for YOU somewhere.

Ryan: [needing to take a buccal swap] Open your mouth.
Venus: Guys usually say "please".
Ryan: Can you tell me the name of the Buckeye state?
Venus: What's a "buckeye"?
Ryan: Say "Ohio".
Venus: Ohio.
[Ryan swabs her mouth as she talks]
Venus: That's hot.

Ryan: [sarcastically to suspect] Oh, you've got an alibi.
[to Calliegh]
Ryan: He's got an alibi.
Calleigh: We love alibis.

[From "Cross Jurisdictions" The Vegas/Miami Crossover]
Warrick: Well whoever this guy is he's a lousy shot.
Calleigh: 5 Caseings No Hits. Oh BTW I'm Calleigh Duquesne. Don't ask me how to spell it It's Southern.
Cath: Catherine Willows, Southern...Navada

Horatio: When Your Home Alone Do You Lock The Bathroom Door?
Cath: I Don't Even Know You?

Cath: Ready Hunny?
Horatio: Comming Dear.

FBI Agent: What'd She Just Say?
Horatio: She Says You Need to Learn The Lanuage

Sasha: They're Looking For Me You Know?
Horatio: Me Too. What'dya Say we sit here and get found together?
Sasha: *Nods*
Horatio: Good *Relaxes* What a day

Belle King: Did you know 'Horatio' was the first CSI?
Horatio: He was... the what?
Belle King: In Hamlet. When Hamlet was poisoned and dying, he asked his best friend Horatio to tell the world who murdered him.
Horatio: Ok...I'll tell the world.
Al: Find a good fiber lately?
Horatio: Just enough to keep me regular.

Don: Look, Horatio, we're on the same side.
Horatio: I'd like to think so.
Don: Yeah. Well, we are in the middle of the trial. We've already picked the jury, we called our experts, we spent over a million dollars in taxpayers money...
Horatio: We have new evidence.
Don: Yeah. Well, that's what appeals are all about. Listen, this is not about the case anymore. Now, it's about winning.
Horatio: Well, you know what then? We're not on the same side.

[Noticing a big black car in front of a witness' house]
Horatio: Mm-hmm. Town car, tinted windows, take a guess.
Det. Hagen: Fan-belt inspectors?
Horatio: Nope. U.S. Marshals witness protection baby-sitters.

[describing a victim]
Horatio: Jeans, T-shirt... K-Mart socks.
Det. Tripp: Big spender.

Horatio: The boat thief?
Det. Tripp: Vanilla Ice? I threatened to throw his ass in a holding tank with real gangsters. He folded like it was laundry day.

[about Raymond Caine, H's little brother]
Horatio: The rumour of a dirty cop is far juicier than its confirmation.
Bob: You just called your own brother a dirty cop.
Horatio: Maybe he was, but he didn't deserve to die.
Bob: We all have to die some time.
Horatio: Some sooner than others.

Horatio: Why didn't you tell us this earlier?
Suspect: I didn't think it'd look too good.
Horatio: Well, it doesn't look too good right now.

[H talks to a doctor, who's a suspect]
Horatio: Keith.
Keith: That's "Doctor", Lieutenant.
Horatio: Maybe not for long.

[Pedro is a suspect]
Horatio: Gentlemen, may I?
Lawyer: Be kind, Horatio.
Horatio: As always. All right, now, Pedro, the gun we found in your room has tied you to two murders.
Lawyer: But possession doesn't make my client the killer.
Horatio: We also have your skin cells on the tourniquet you used.
Lawyer: ALLEGEDLY used.
Horatio: Allegedly used.
[turns to the Lawyer]
Horatio: Now, are you going to rebut everything I'm saying?
Lawyer: Yes.
Horatio: Excellent.

[Tolsen beat Eugene, a mentally challanged man, to death]
Pete: Hey, I did that guy a favor! He was a retard!
Horatio: Okay, Eugene might have a few things to overcome, I'll give you that, but you know what, Pete? You know what? At the end of the day, HE just put YOU away for life.
Kid: It's Not $6 Million
Horatio: This Is Where You Say 'I Don't Know Any Dr. Wellmont'

Horatio: Sargent, We're gonna have to prosess this whoe baricks
Sargent: On What Grounds?
Calleigh: Bad Hair Day

Horatio: The Crystals We Found on the floor are ordinary table salt.
Calleigh: So Somebody's Guilty of Seasoning

Suspect: I guess I'm not so paranoid after all.
Horatio: Well, if I were you I'd return to paranoid my friend. You're about to be charged with murder.
Horatio: What size shoe do you take my friend? You look like you're about a nine?
Ernest: who are you? A shoe salesman? Shoo. You're boring me.

[upon finding dead male victim tied to bed, lying on stomach]
Det. Bernstein: No sign of forced entry
Horatio: Oh I wouldn't be so sure of that
[camera pans over victim, showing him to be clad only in bathrobe]

Horatio: So who am I looking for?
Dennis: He's an old partner of mine from back in the day. We used to produce parties and stuff together, you know, trying to out-puff Puffy (Sean "Puffy" Combs)

Carl: Do I know you?
Eric: Yeah, I'm the guy you're trying to get fired.

[about Horatio]
Det. Hagen: All I'm saying is, that's one hell of a lonely road he's walking.
Calleigh: I know. That's why I'm walking it with him.

Lab Tech: Great Thing About the Nose is that it acts like A filter. Everything we breathe gets trapped in: Spours, dirt, live dustmites.
Calleigh: uggh, Remind me never to breath again.

Suspect: I swear on my mother, all right?
Speed: I'm glad I'm not her.

US Coast Guard: What kind of boat are you guys looking for?
Speed: The kind that has blood on it.

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